Each moment of sorrow strips another layer from my ego and leaves my soul more exposed. Stripping away layers of ego leaves me more open to life’s magic, beauty, love, and the desire to hold nothing in reserve. Why wait? I have suffered heartache, but who hasn’t? What I am yearning to do now is to embrace my heartache as a result of my undying love. Without love, there is no heartache. It is a reminder that we loved someone so deeply that her/his loss left us trembling and shattered.
I miss my son and wife, I miss them to the point of despair at times. But I am aware that this despair is a result of my undying love, which never goes away. I’m okay with that now. I see death as a dark tunnel, but on the other side of the tunnel, I believe a world exists even more magical and beautiful than the world on this side. My love gives me hope. When I look up into the night sky, I still see magic. Even at the precise moment when I knew I’d never see my son again, I was able to look up into the magic and mystery of the night sky and feel its majesty and power, as sad and heartbroken as I was at the time. How could I feel anything at all? And yet, I continue to feel, to live, to love, maybe now with an even greater urgency than before since I know how precious love is. Love does not come to us easily. It should, but it doesn’t. We have to throw all caution to the wind, we have to open our hearts to all kinds of danger, threats of heartache and sorrow. But love is the only thing that keeps us inspired, keeps our hearts beating wildly, keeps us motivated to see, to feel, to live with passion, to overcome sorrow. Love is a double-edged sword, both the cause of our sorrow and its cure.
Since the death of my son six years ago, and the death of my wife five years ago, I have had a lot of time to reflect on love and life and loss. The heartache never ends, but I have learned to accept it. In most ways, once I understood the heartache would never end, I began to love more deeply and fiercely. Where love used to be a warm glow, it’s now a fierce fire in my heart. When I reach out to the stars now, which used to move away from me in an infinite universe, I am able to touch them. The vastness and beauty of the universe have opened up to me in a new and unexpected way. Everything is at once possible and impossible. In knowing this, I have been able to let go of my regrets, let go of my expectations, let go of the past, and focus instead on what’s in my heart at this moment. When I allow my heart to direct me, I realize that I am being directed by love, not fear.
I have let go of any notion of fear. Fear comes on the heels of anticipation, the anticipation of the heartache that accompanies the loss of someone precious to us, whether through death or separation. We only fear in anticipation of loss. When we keep love burning fiercely in our hearts, we realize it is impossible to lose anything, and fear loses its grip on us. It is so exhilarating to escape fear’s grip. When we feel and embrace the unconditional love in our hearts, then, and only then, can we truly enjoy each moment.
My son and wife will always be alive in my heart. This doesn’t mean that I won’t miss their physical presence in my life. I miss them here beside me to hug and hold and kiss. I miss the touch. But I hold even tighter now to the growing love in my heart. It roars inside of me to the point I can no longer contain it. It engulfs me. And with this fierce love, I am able to find an even deeper meaning in my life. Love is powerful. When we allow it to rage in our hearts, it overpowers fear, and we can begin to see the world with wonder and awe – and gratitude.
I am grateful for the twenty years I had with my son and the twenty-three years I had with my wife. These memories always bring a smile and warmth to my heart. My love for them has brought a great peace to my life and the courage to move forward fearlessly. I have felt the heartache of loss, I have felt it deeply, but it no longer controls me. I refuse to give into pain and sorrow. I allow my love to burn fiercely inside of me, now more than ever, and this love will always overpower fear and sadness.
So real and passionate, David. Almost like the circle of grief is complete, in Jungian terms.
Thank you so much, Cathy. You have been a true and special friend. It has been an honor to know you.
The honor is mine too, David
Thank you, Cathy. I hope all is well with you. I need to catch up to you soon. I am curious how your canoe trip went. Fall is fast approaching…It is always nice to hear from you.
Touching, such a heart felt, life affirming statement.
Thank you for sharing my friend
Touching, such a heart felt, life affirming statement. Thoughtful examination.
Thank you for sharing my friend
Thank you, Sam. It is so kind and thoughtful of you. I truly appreciate it.